Thursday, October 06, 2005

I don't know what title to put in here. I just feel like shit. I always seems like a happy person. I always let go of unhappy things, thinking that there will be better things for me to achieve.

Since secondary school, I have been working hard to achieve things that I want. I joined the NCC and rhymic gym in secondary 1. As a cadet in the NCC, it's every cadets dream to get the best recruit award. I did my best in everything. Although I didn't win the award, I was still very happy for my good friend who got it. I admit I was jealous, who won't be right? But neverthe less I was happy for her. It was kinda expected. At least in secondary one, I represented the school in the air rifle competition. We didn't do as well as we wanted, I still do my best and was the only one from my school to get the top 10 placing. No one really came to congratulate me except for my teacher in charge. Maybe they did, probably at that state, no one was in the mood for celebration. We came in 4th as a team. I really dont care about this now. It's over. Just stating a sad fact.

Secondary 2 was another time I got a chance to represent the school in orienteering competition. My partner and I were always getting full marks during practices. We were really please with ourselves. But for some reason, my partner fell sick. I was almost immediately chucked aside, forgetting that I could do the orienteering well. We didn't win that year. I was most upset. I know I wasn't a promising cadet, but I could contribute in something that I could do some glory. But no one see in my year, but perhaps my seniors. That year on, I was quite sure that I wasn't achieving things that I deserve. I started to slack, but not too much. My studies didn't go well either. But one thing for sure, I was talented in Maths. Without trying, I remembered I still scored well in them. Unfortunately, a saddening event took place before the exams and I just couldn't concentrate on my exams and a decision to redo that year was made. That perhaps the reason why I didn't get a good rank as well. Another sad fact. Nevertheless, I was happy that I had good friends around.

After secondary school, I came back as a cadet lieutenant to pass on the knowledge that I had which was failed to be used by me in some way. With the authority I had, I tried to help as much as I can, be listening ear whenever possible too. Seeing cadets growing made me happy. I served NCC for quite a long time. Maybe one of the longest serving CLTs. But I never got my gold award, I never got my recognision award. I was sad. But at least I think my cadets learnt something from me. I hope. Most of them don't address me by mdm anymore. We've all outgrown them. But I guess it's nice if someone remembers you and respect you as a mdm. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much... More sad facts but I don't care about it.

What's upseting most now, is... my life now I guess. The real reason I'm writing this blog. It seems that the effort I put in in my life, never gets appreciated. I don't seem to be able to do the things I enjoy.

Eg, I just finished my final presentation on Monday, and yes I know I have 1 more assignment due. But I really wanted to have some time with my groupmates. All we did was have dinner and went over to my place to place Xbox. Who knew I would get sick? No one right? But I was dimmed as someone who was playful... I shouldn't have done what I did. And that's why I got sick. Moreover I have another assignment to do.

I love to do a lot of things. But I just don't think I can do them! Dance... I need people to dance with me, who is going to dance with me now? Piano, my family thinks that I'm making noise. It seems like the things I love doing, I have to give them up? Sighz, I'm just feeling too upset at the moment. Sighz............ Maybe I'm not in the right state of mind now.

I just wish that there's a fairy godmother to make things happily ever after for me. Or santa clause to make things better. I have been a good girl. I have been doing my assignments and programming. Pls make me feel that I'm appreciated.

1 comment:

[m@r!e] said...

Hey Girl,

Things may seem to go wrong, people may misunderstand you or even think that you're not as good as you may be. But you got to remember the fact that you've never let YOURSELF down! You've always done your best. That's what really matters - doing your best. No one can tell you whether it's your best - it's only you who can tell yourself that. Don't be too harsh or sad about it.

Perhaps others think that you're just better than what you think you are. Try not to think so much about school recognition with ex-students going back to help. A lot of schools don't bother about it but feel that it's a natural thing to do. Try not to dwell on it too much.

Perhaps people don't know how to show their appreciation to you? You're a nice, sweet girl. I'm pretty sure that your groupmates appreciate all the work and hours that you've put in. I guess you're mum is concerned about you that's why she's nagging at you. Plus she's just gone back to Singapore. And shortly after that, you fall sick. She definitely will be worried but perhaps she's not showing it the usual way. The distance of you being so far from her might cause her to nag at you instead.

I'm sure that everyone would agree that you've been a wonderful and great friend. I believe that everyone appreciates you! Don't worry, tomorrow will be a better day! *hugz* Cheer up girl!