Monday, April 18, 2005

Just another day of self reflection

I don't know what to type in this blog today. Nothing interesting happen later. Everything are as usual. My life has ups and downs. Receiving lovely dovely and vice versa. Being nice to people as always, and being petty at sometimes because of jealousy.

The weather hasn't been too friendly these days. Last last wednesday seems too be the last warm day. The weather is pretty cold. Makes me feel so lazy. The clothes are also pilling up. Not a good time to wash them. Oh no... That makes a lot of underwear not washed. Soon there won't be any underwear to wear. :S

My mind has been preoccupied with assignments, tutorials and about the house. I have officially finished 2 essay assignments which took me like 3 weeks to finish? :S Have a group documentation to be handed in this week too which I haven't started. 1 more essay assignment and a web programming assignment to be handed in next week. Both I haven't started. Only have design the logo of for the company of the web programming assignment that I'm suppose to do. Sighz... So much work yet so little time. Yet I'm displaying on the front, "relax, everything will be fine look." On the inside, I'm sad, depressed and stress.

On top of these work, I'm also trying to look more beautiful and not to gain weight. Am trying to rid of the scars off my face and rid of the multiple awful eye lids too. Sometimes I wish I'm rich and just go for plastic surgery and everything would be solve.

Sometimes I think I'm making myself crazy when I look at another girl's picture. I often wondero what attribute about her is so attractive? I often find none. But to some guy, she is extremely pretty, sweet and gentle. Sighz... I wish I can see things from a guy's prospective.

I'm missing my polytechnic friends a lot. Sometimes when they are online, and I'm online, but there's no response. Maybe they are busy. Sometimes my MSN is online, but I'm not around at my computer.

I haven't been dancing for a long time now. I wonder when I will be like my friends back home. The way they dance are ever so graceful and confidence. Most of them now are in a performance group, some even have gone to teaching others.

This makes me feel as if I'm good at nothing. List of things I'm not good at:
  • Studies
  • Housework
  • Cooking
  • Looking beautiful
  • Being slim
  • Dancing
  • Playing the piano

Playing the piano has always been an interest, but I never got the chance to further it or to pursue it as an interest. I'm only a grade 2. And a grade 2 for a long long time... Since primary 3. I have not improved. Always stagnant. Sighz...

How do one feel good about one self? I used to be so cheerful and full of confidence. But I feel whenever I speak up, I will make the mistake and get scolding or make someone else pissed. :(

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