Thursday, March 24, 2005

Sighz.. My things are spoilt...

sigh... I guess I was having a too good day yesterday. Had such a great time with my boyfriend the night before. And had such a loving time in the morning where the both of us don't wanna let each other go. He had an appointment with his friends to play badminton in another Monash Campus (Clayton) while I had to be in school the whole day to do my assignments. Had 2 assigment meetings yesterday. One started from 2pm till almost 6pm. Another meeting from 6 to 8pm. Dear did this work in the library while waiting for me.

We had plans to return our overdued DVDs and to later return and have some quality time. But these were all gone when his laptop suddenly cannot access to the Internet. The problem is not known. He thought it was the router's problem. But then it was not because my laptop could access the Internet. He even reset the router trying to rectify the problem. But to no avail. Then he decided to go back to uni to test his laptop. Here, I went to the DVD rental shop alone to return the DVDs, after which went to the supermarket to buy some chicken nuggets which he wanted to eat then went to loko for him back at the cafe near uni.

His laptop was working perfectly when he was in uni. We went home again trying to solve what's wrong with his laptop. I tried to calm him down not to be too angry and frustrated. Try to think of some solutions, try to think what went wrong. But all these were pushed aside by him not realising that he had push all these aside. Then I was accused of not trying to comfort him. Beared all his scoldings, do whatever he wants me to do. I even cooked the nuggets for him. Hope it would at least cheer him up a little. But no...

To a point where I couldn't take it, I went to "sleep" in the living room. Watch a little TV then he pulled me up to "sleep". Of course I couldn't sleep. I want to be there for him and support him. But I get the scoldings again, and got accused of being the cause of the problem. Of course naturally, I went to the living room again to cool off. I was like a volcano about to errupt anytime. But I know I cannot errupt. He could vent all his frustration all he want. But blaming me for being the cause of it? Sighz...

I am really heart broken, sad, confuse, not knowing what he wants. All I want is him and to be there for him and support him and for him to be happy. But I always fail. I'm such a lousy girlfriend. What more can I do? My thumb drive is spoilt. I cannot fix his spoilt mouse. I'm so useless.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Hmmm

I guess things are getting better. Though my confidence level has drop quite a bit. Am trying to pick things up.

Anyway, things are heating up. Have 2 assignments due this coming week and I have yet to complete them. Hope I can understand and quickly finish them before the date due. Sheesh, sometimes I don't really understand what I'm reading and have to restart learning which is a pain in the ass process.

Okiez, Mom has been calling me up regularly. Miss her so much. sometimes makes me want to fly back just to see her again. And my daddy... :( Oh well, And she just called me to tell me that she and my aunts went out for lunch together. wow, like some kind of family gathering. They had roast pork and duck and a lot of other dishes. Hmm.. sounds really yummy... but there was no impact on me. Perhaps I'm still full from lunch.

Ok lah... I shall go and do my work already. Blog again soon.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Good for nothing...

I don't know what my good friends tell me. But I feel as if I'm really growing uglier and uglier everyday. I often wonder why...

I cleanse my face every morning and night, after which, I use toner and apply moisturiser. Then use eye cream for my eyes and rose hip oil to help rid of the scars. But why don't the conditions of my face improve? Do I really have to go surgery? Or should I go for plastic surgery?

I'm absolutely depressed. I feel like eating chocolates everyday. But I can't, I'm too fat.

First time in my life, people told another person that I'm ugly. I'm so... Have no confidence now. I don't know if I should go out and face those people. I wish I don't them, then I don't have to go out without feeling weird and painful that they said that I was ugly. Or maybe I just look normal.

There's nothing of me that's attractive. I'm so totally depresesd. Am I such a loser that I don't know anything about beauty? All I know is to clean my face everyday. Ok, I don't have pimples. But the scars and the multiple eye lids. I'm just so depressed. :( Sometimes I wish I don't exist. I'm such an imperfect person.

I have ecezma, scar face since after my chicken pox, multiple eyelids started from don't know when, which I don't remember having when I was in secondary school or junior college. And those dark eye rings.... Sighz... Am I aging fast? Sometimes I feel as if I fail as a girlfriend, I failed to beautify myself for my love. I really tried. I'm sad, I cry, I'm depressed.

Why life is so unfair to me? I don't deserve to have a scar face, I don't deserve those multiple eyelid at this time. I use to remember that people envy my eyes. I have nice eyelids and eye lash. But why.. What have I done? I just want to be like any girl, to be scarless, nice eyes, no ecezma... and my weight? Walking seems to be taking effect very slowly. Maybe I should just go for liposuction. Maybe I should just go and die... My parents are not even fat.

I got scolding yesterday too. For being the most stupid girl. I washed the laundry last weekend, and the clothes were only dry yesterday. Why? How I know why. The stupid weather is always cold and rainy. Wet our clothes a few times too. Sighz, but it still took one week. Maybe I'm really stupid.

I'm probably the worst cook ever too. I can't cook for nuts. Whatever I cook is always not nice and I always cook so much. Even if I have halfed the portions of veggies and meat. Ok. Nvm... I should just admit that I'm good at nothing....

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Scar face...

I hate myself...

Why did I swim?
Why did I play basketball?
Why did I do long distance running?
Why did I do things to strengthen my arms?
Why did I do all these things when I was young?
Now all those muscles have turned to fats... Now...
Why am I so fat?
Why do I have chicken pox so late and have the hormounes changes so late?
Those cause all the scars! Grrr... Now...
Why am I so ugly?
And I have stupid excess eye lids on my right eyes. ARGH! I hate it... I hate myself...

Why do I have asthma?
That causes ecezma which cause my hands to be dry and crack and rough.

Why do I not have what a normal girl have?
Smooth hands, no muscles, no scars.
Sighz... What have I done? Do you think I really want all those? Sighz...
What do I have that's good? I'm not good at anything at all. Sighz. I'm probably the saddest girl now...
I just want to be me...

hmmm

Okies, so I haven't been writing my blog for sometime now. Lets see.... what are my feelings today...

I'm feeling not too bad today I guess. Cooked fried noodles, watched a little of Friday the 13th - a killer movie.. ok.. about a killer named Jason and can't seem to die... And he just kills people without any mercy. Okies, it's really quite grusome. Watch the part 3 one though and everyone in the movie died except a girl... Not that I like this kind of movie, but someone would like to watch it.

Oh another thing I learn in Melbourne is to play the PC game Starcraft. Thanx to my boyfriend, I learn how to build "Supply depot", "Barracks", "Engineering Bays", "Academy", "Refineries", "Bunkers" which then lead to building "SCVs", "Marines", "Medics", "Battle Cruiser". Hmmm Seems like I'm not doing normal girly stuff. I'm becoming more boyish? Macho girl maybe... Sighz... *sobzzzz* My next mission planned by my dearest boyfriend is to use the other race in starcraft. Protoss and Zerg. OH... I have been using Terran race, which is the "human" race. Haha.. Welcome to the BOY'S world! So "interesting"... See what the boys enjoy doing. Yup.. it's interesting.

Oh, I only managed to do all these in 3 days??? With a lot of scoldings and strict displine from my DEAREST DEARIE.................. So if I do anything wrong.. Hmm... Poor me... :(

Oh well... OH... On the good side, my boyfriend managed to modify his Xbox to play pirated games and play all kinds of DVD movies. Hmm, no he didn't bring his Xbox to the shop, he did it all by himself. This is after much of surfing the net, sleep sacrificed (including mine), spending money on crosscables, USB extension cable, Xbox extension cable and lossing my important and his documents from our usb drive. :( Oh well.. Things that we sacrifice to do some big"IMPORTANT" thing.

Okok.. enough of this... School has started. Lectures have started. Well, it's not too bad going to school I guess. I guess the only difficult thing I might face this semester is trying to cope doing housework, cooking, laundry and of course my studies at the same time. I guess I'll grumble along the way. But the duty of a girl. Or should I say girlfriend? Everything I do as a girlfriend. Like the song goes, "Everything I do, I do it for you". I just need a little appreciation, some loving and caring I suppose.

That's all for now lah.... Ciaos...