Wednesday, September 22, 2004

My first post

I finally got my own blog... Was just flipping through all my friends blog and decided to have one. I just needed something to vent my feelings on. Been so down these days.. :(

To start with... Alright, it's 8.40am. Have been lazing on the bed since 8am and thinking about things. The more I think, the sadder I feel. Went to check out some of my friend's blog. So.. yah, tada... I have my own blog...

Ok, I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was going to marry someone who was the sweetest guy to me. The guy who treated me like a princess. I never really dated him because I was saying this to him in my dream that all the guys I've dated really hurt me badly. Hence he came up with the idea to marry me straight away instead. (I have no idea who is guy is... But is someone whom my parents know. Strange... :/)

At the registry of marriage, I was so excited at first. And my groom looks absolutely charming, though not the best looking guy in the world. When it was about for me to change into my gown, I had the strangest feeling that I'm not ready to marry. I started to panick. I agreed to this guy, but on our big day, I'm going to back out.

I was so so so lost. I remember seeing my Dad with me. Asking me what's wrong, and asked me to change. He said that he got the most beautiful gown for me. (strange thing I didn't choose my own gown.) Somehow, I didn't want to see the gown. I was thinking of someone else! I was fanatically running away like a crazy woman. Everyone was trying to catch me. Something struck me that I should tell my groom that I wasn't ready to marry. I stopped running and turned around. I had tears in my eyes.

One of my newly wedded aunt kind of knew that I didn't want to marry. My mom was there too. She was shocked, but being my mom, she is supportive of me.

I walked back to where all the groom's friends and relative were waiting. I saw my groom crying! I told him that I was sorry, I wasn't ready to marry him. (In actual fact, I was thinking of someone else. *My boyfriend now*) He said, forget it. And that I will never ever be his bride again. At this moment, I woke up and felt like the most shitty person on Earth. *Big sigh*

It's only been less than a day and I miss my boyfriend so much. I know I've made him so angry. I didn't mean to. I never meant to make him angry. I just want you to be happy again. Just like the first time I saw you.

Like you said you wanted to go home yesterday when I asked if you wanted to come over for dinner. It's fine with me on normal days, but to know that you're angry with me, it bothers me a lot. :(

I wish this feeling will end soon. I'm feeling so miserable. :(

Just the other day, one of my good guy buddies was in such a bad mood. And I just gave him a virtual hug. (We've always, among our salsa gang, giving each other hugs.) And this friend asked me to hug my boyfriend. I was quite hurt. Seems like no one wants to talk to me anymore.

I'm so lost... And I know I need to concentrate on my work... Sighz... and I got a presentation today. I hope I will survive. :)

Lost,
Alethea

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